A Night of Knights
by thevoicethatunderstandsit
Summary: How we would finish the series. Warning: definitely silly, and little actual character development. Written for japes. Picks up from the end of ADWD, so obvious spoiler alert. Might not quite merit the T rating, but better to err on the side of caution.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

The story that follows is unashamedly silly, a tale written by two friends to pass the time. We only hope it entertains you as much as it did us. A quick disclaimer: we do not own any of the characters and places that feature, nor do we claim to possess a iota of the brilliance of their creator, Lord Grrm. The story also contains many references to other books/songs/films - if you think it anything rings a bell from somewhere, it almost certainly does - and we don't own any of those things either. Feel free to dislike the story, but please don't judge. Any bad English or poor grammatical sentence structure is almost certainly intentional.

**The Not-Dead Commander**

Jon Snow was not dead. This might surprise people, not least Jon himself, but the cruel swords of his own men had pierced, not his flesh, but the multiple cigarillo cases concealed about his person.

Sitting up in a pile of aptly named snow, where the treacherous brothers of dubious leal had left him for dead, Jon reflected with thanks on the surprisingly useful gifts that Melisandre had unexpectedly bestowed upon him that very morning, although at the time it had been exceedingly awkward as he was not a smoker and he had a sneaking suspicion that she was trying to buy his favour, which would totally have compromised his honour, but if he had rejected them then she would have released her fiery wrath all over him, in her nameday gown, which would further have compromised his honour.

"Jon!" He heard a sweet tinkling voice sweetly tinkling towards him. He turned around to see Val, a vision of loveliness, running towards him in slow motion. "I thought you were dead! We must run away at once, or your life will be forfeit. There is a pirate crew watching and waiting at Eastwatch to spirit us away to Braavos, where the plot may or may not proceed in a very handy manner."

"No!" cried Jon. "My honour! My duty! My honour _and_ my duty! And my horse!"

She looked up at him through tear-stained lashes and sobbed:

"But Jon, you'll _die_. And I'll be left all alone in this world. Anyway, you clearly don't have a horse"

After once last heroic glance at the Wall, Jon turned to her once more.

"Bugger honour", he northerned, channelling Sean Bean. "Onwards. Tally ho!"

**The Invincible Sandsnakes**

Meanwhile in Dorne, Prince Doran had won yet another game of tiddlywinks. The Sandsnakes hissed angrily.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Still Somehow Honourable Northerner**

Jon swayed backwards and forwards, because he was on a boat. Namely, Salador Saan's boat.

"Jon, I have something to tell you," said Val, also swaying in a boat-related manner as the pirates bustled to and fro piratically behind them, stopping sporadically to swash some buckles.

"You know you can tell me anything, Val," smouldered Jon in reply.

"In which case," said Val, emphasising the 'h' in 'which' in order to lend full gravity to her statement, "I know who your real parents are. Eddard Stark never dishonoured his wedding vows."

"Egad!" cried Jon. " Do you mean… I am not what I am?"

"I'm afraid so, Jon, as you are in fact a Targaryen. But also a Stark. So you're kind of like a wolf-dragon. Like Beowulf, but less hench."

Jon looked puzzled, and Val realised her explanation might have been a little confusing, so she continued: "Well, that's what happens when an icy tornado meets a fiery volcano. Your mother was Lyanna Stark, and your father Rhaegar Targaryen. My mother was Wylla, the wet-nurse who cared for you and this is how I know. Also, just thought you should know that for the purposes of this story, I'm not actually older than you, unlike that poo-brained Ygritte. Anyway, I'm nicer because I know that you know lots of things."

"She was a poo-brain", Jon agreed, surprisingly unfazed by the massive revelation that just went down. "And I know one thing in particular. Val, I want you to be my wife". And he stole her, just to be sure she wouldn't kill him or something else inconvenient. They're very tricksy people, these wildlings.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tweedledumb and Tweedledummkopf**

"Mwah hah hah!" cried both Euron and Victarion on their respective ships of doom, each thinking that they were going to win the GAME OF THRONES. Unfortunately neither realised that a giant kraken was devouring each of their ships. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? Rather like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife. A few minutes later, a wise old woman in a floating house sailed by mournfully, saying:

"He deeeeead"


	4. Chapter 4

**That Bint What Has A Dragon**

After frying all the non-believers and non-beliebers she'd been faced with in a not particularly intense cliff-hanger, Dany flew back to the not-magical-and-in-fact-actually-quite-rubbish city of Meereen, where she also fried her perfidious husband in his lily-livered tokar of stupidity, and pretty much anyone else who annoyed her.

"I've had it with this town!" she cried, packing up her troubles in her old kit bag and boarding a giant dragon battleship (which amusingly it turned out she'd always had, after all that fuss) with her eunuchs and dragons and Missandei. As she swayed in a boat-like motion, she heard a scuffle below deck.

'_What is this?'_ she thought in italics, _'neither eunuchs nor dragons scuffle…'_ Slowly, she edged down the stairs, brandishing a trident to show that she does not have a gentle heart.

However, this last statement was proved wrong, as Ser Jorah the Adorable from the TV series, not Ser Jorah the Hairy from the books (sorry Hairy Jorah fans), stepped into the light. Her so-called not-so-gentle heart melted into a puddle on the floor, and she leapt into his arms.

"Well la-di-da", said Tyrion mockingly, stepping out of shadows as dark as his father's heart, looking ominously and motivelessly malignant. But secretly he was touched by the love he saw in both their faces, and as he had been ordained as a Holy Septa (long story - look it up in the appendices; LOL JK it's just a plot device), that evening he performed the marriage ceremony.


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm on a boat**

"Ouch!" exclaimed Jon. "Something bit me. Oh, it's Nymeria, Arya's direwolf. Why does she sway to the beat of our boat?" [which translates as "what is she doing here?"]

Being a direwolf, Nymeria chose not to dignify that question with an answer, choosing instead to wag her tail happily at her pack brother, Ghost.

Using his wargish connections, Jon was able to discern that Arya was in Braavos, currently engaged in an epic training montage to 'Eye of the Tiger', in order to become a fully fledged assassin of super proportions. Just as she was flying through the air going "Ayayayayayaya", the pirate galley drew up at the port. Arya was about to smite her interrupters when she recognised Jon. Huzzah! She threw her shako into the air and hugged him, prompting him to muss up her hair and call her 'little sister', even though she was getting quite big now, and technically they're actually cousins.

"Grrm", he murmured happily.

"Grrm", she agreed blissfully.

**The Cripple in the Tree**

Damn, said Bran. I've lost my game of tetris.


	6. Chapter 6

**Girl On A Mission. With Dragons.**

Dany had decided to employ some badass assassins to complement her all-conquering army, so she stopped in Braavos. As she browsed through the finest Braavosi assassin stores, Tyrion pulled her sleeve and said some frightfully witty and wicked, as he spotted Arya Stark and, to his delight, his bromantic other, Jon Snow.

"I have a witty and sarcastic idea: why don't you join forces with them?" he witnified heartily.

"Never!" shrieked she. "I am the sworn enemy of the Starks, who helped the Usurper. Viserion, attack!"

The white-as-snow (significant much) dragon drew breath to reduce Jon and Arya to piles of ash. However, Jon action-flipped into the air, somersaulting thrice, performing a couple of perfect plies whilst casually taking down a passing olliphaunt, which had popped over on holiday from Middle Earth, and completing the Times crossword, before landing gracefully on the back of the fearsome dragon, who instantly recognised his true master.

"Dany, I am no enemy of thine, but thy kin. Rhaegar Targaryen was my father, though I still bare the name Snow."

"Such a flair for drama. He must be a Targaryen!" cried Varys, who was also there for some reason. He was then hit on the head with a chamber pot by Tyrion, who was still more than a little bit miffed at him.

"In which case, let us join forces," rejoiced Dany. "To Westeros!"

As they sailed off into the sunset, heroic theme music resounded all around them.


	7. Chapter 7

**He Who Rules With A Gold Fist**

"Make haste. Tarry not. We must save Sansa", spake Brienne, prancing ahead of Jaime's steed in naught but her small clothes, once a lively paisley print, now faded after weathering many hardships.

"We do make a sorry pair, you and I. Me, with a stump for a hand, and you with only half a face. Although your face was already ugly. I can't believe anyone would eat it!" bantered Jaime cheerfully, teasing her in that way that small children are mean to people they actually like. However, Brienne's wrath was awakened not by his cruel words of jest, and they walked on in awkward silence. Jaime whiled away the time attempting to do the awkward turtle with only one hand.

Soon they arrived in a suspiciously Sansa-less creepy sleepy hollow. Jaime appeared unfazed, saying:

"Peace, it affrights me not." And it didn't, at least until Lady Stonehead, or whatever it is that we're supposed to call Catelyn Stark these days, rose ominously from a nearby tree-trunk, smoke billowing atmospherically round her feet.

"Well that's not good", quoth Jaime.

"So, Kingslayer", she entoned in a creepy Disney villain voice. "We meet again. I say again because I am in fact Catelyn Stark, back from the dead, just in case you didn't realise. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

"Actually", Jaime said, confused, "isn't your father one of the few members of your family I haven't even attempted to kill." She didn't expand on the matter, however, and stiffening his resolve, he stepped heroically forwards to fight her. Before her evil blow of misdirected revenge could fall, he struck her with his golden hand.

"Alas", she cried. "The prophecy has been fulfilled. Just as some wicked witches are allergic to bizarre things such as water, I am allergic to golden hands. I'm meeeeelting!"

In the heat of the moment, Brienne morphed into a beautiful though still kick-ass beauty with a whole face and as Jaime bent to kiss her his hand grew back. Both had had their wishes fulfilled in repayment for ridding the world of the crazy zombie lady.

Suddenly, Cersei fell out of the nearest tree in a fit of jealousy - which is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds upon - spontaneously combusting with rage and vainglory. Also she was mad because Qyburn had put his smelly red socks in the washing, and had died all her snow (is it an allusion to Jon? Probably not…) white gowns a lurid pink.

"My horoscope did say it was would be a lucky day for me today," said Jaime.


	8. Chapter 8

**The Queen No Longer Across The Water**

Dany leapt out of her boat, landing on a discarded shield, skating down some steps firing arrows at her enemies, before planting her gigantic dragon flag into the soft, yielding sands of Westeros, the long awaited land.

'_I knew immortality waited on this beach here'_, she thought to herself. _'Well I'm taking it. It's mine'_

"I conquer this land!" she cried unto the heavens and her super-massive army.

"What? But it's our land", said a rather worried looking Mace Tyrell, holding King Tommen on a leash.

"Do you have a flag?" asked Jon condescendingly.

"No."

"Then you're wrong. It's ours", answered Jon smugly.

**The Lady of Shallots**

Sansa completed the 100th brush stroke of her hair.

"Now I get to start all over again", she sang gleefully.


	9. Chapter 9

**The Wench Magnet**

"Partay!" screamed Tyrion as he did another shot off his newest lady's stomach. "Where do whores go?" he asked conversationally. He looked around the awesome party that Prince Aegon had thrown for his aunt to show his leal. But let it be remembered that Tyrion had thought of the theme himself: Tarts and Targaryens.

All around the hall, fat people were feasting, gelatinous folk were jousting, deranged denizens were dancing, bootilicious brothers sang ballads about bromance, whilst literary buffs exploded with excitement due to the alliteration overload. Jon and the Sandsnakes were playing a very exclusive game of ninja tag in which only bastards could participate, making it infinitely superior.

Tommen and Myrcella were playing a drinking game, almost falling out of the iron throne in drunken abandon, and proving that maybe they were true Baratheons after all. Dany found them so endearing that she adopted them instantly.

Jaime and Brienne also turned up, looking rather sheepish, but Ser Barristan dragged them into a game of musical statues.

"He's such a dude", whispered Val, gesturing towards the elderly knight. Jon nodded wisely and knocked back another pina colada as he got caught in the rain, much to Tyrion's entertainment.


	10. Chapter 10

**The Party-Pooper**

Half-way through the macarena, Jon suddenly remembered something rather important.

"Hey, Dany", he slurred drunkenly. "You know how when we say that 'Winter is coming' in a wise and northern way, it's actually an allusion to the fact that there's a lot of evil wights coming to get us? Well, we all totally forgot that there's a _massive undead army of evil_ amassing at the Wall with the sole aim of killing us all."

"Curses!" cursed Dany.

"I ride at once!" heroified Jon. "The White Walkers pose a great peril to all of our lives. Some say that they kill children in the night; some say there eyes are fixed, flecked with fire; some say their touch is as cold as death, because they are dead; some say they ride on giant man-eating ice-lobsters; others say they ride Harley Davisons, we're not quite sure which (nor which is a more terrifying prospect); some say that their hearts are so cold, they didn't even cry when Dumbledore died; some say they talk in the theatre; others say that they know all the lyrics to 'Baby Got Back'. All I know is that today, we fight! What say you?"

**Fatty Fat Fatty Fat Fat**

Sam was craven. And fat. So he ate. And hid.


	11. Chapter 11

**The Hero of Heroic Hero-ness**

Jon looked up at the great Wall of ice, alone. The Wall had been built eons ago to keep out the White Walkers, though secretly Jon thought the real reason that it was quite so excessively massive was because Westeros was competing with China. However, the huge structure was now entirely overrun by wights, who stalked along the battlements wielding their deadly death rays of doom and keeping off the drizzle with their umbrellas of annihilation.

Jon heaved the double doors of the great hall open dramatically and strode fearlessly into the room. He noticed that, in a bizarre and entirely uncoincidental twist of fate, all of the people he hated and who had, for example, stabbed him were either dead or undead, whilst all of his friends were merely captives.

"The Wall is mine!" he bellowed. "The living built it, and the living keep it. The way is shut. I will not let you pass!"

"Oh yeah", smirked the newly bewighted Alliser Thorne. "You and what army?"

"This army", quoth Jon, as the entire population of Westeros suddenly appeared behind him in V-formation. And he z-clicked as he stabbed Ser Alliser in the face with his sword forged from the steel of Valyria.

An epic battle ensued. In their darkest hour, when, dragons non-withstanding, all seemed lost, despair reigned over the Westerosi troops. This prompted Jon to give an impromptu stirring speech, drawing on his knowledge of inspiring 80s power ballads.

"You're the voice. Try and understand it!" he cried. "Make a noise and make it clear."

"Wooooah. Wooooah", his men replied, turning to see the sun rise over the field of battle. The sun's first rays streamed down over a massively steep and somewhat dangerous hill which had mysteriously appeared opposite the Wall overnight, and to which the battle-supervising health and safety inspector profoundly objected. Bran and the Children of the Forest, as well as anyone else we haven't yet mentioned (ie. have forgotten), charged down the hill. There were a few scraped knees and in one case a mildly sprained ankle, but overall the charge was deemed a great success. The sun blinded the eyes of their dead enemies. Trapped between the hill, which can loosely be defined as a rock, and the Wall, which is quite clearly a hard place, the defeat of the wights was now inevitable.

And so the good guys won, and there was much rejoicing.

As ex-King Stannis had renounced his claims to the Iron Throne – dragons can soften any man's resolve – and had fought so bravely for the side of good, Jon and the Watch there and then elected Stannis as the 999th Commander of the Night's Watch. Indeed, the Watch now had a huge contingent of men, having recently made amendments to their vows, cutting out that whole silly celibacy shebang.

Melisandre was feeling rather a numpty, having not quite joined the dots between Jon and The Chosen One, when she heard a soft, imp-like voice murmur:

"Tysha?"

She turned to see a still slightly drunk Tyrion shuffling backwards and forwards.

"What are you doing, my love?" Melisandre/Tysha asked.

"Well, everyday I'm shuffling", he said, before leaping into the arms of his long-lost love. She carried him to Casterly Rock, where they lived happily ever after, in a not entirely monogamous fashion.

After installing Bran as the new Lord of Winterfell, hastily put back together by all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men, Jon and Dany's host headed on to the Vale of Arryn. On arriving, they found the Vale flooded and Littlefinger trapped at the top of the Eyrie, with his grumpy face on. Rickon sat smugly nearby, smoking the very best pipeweed, as Sansa floated past on a lilo. She almost fell off it in shock when she saw Loras Tyrell, miraculously cured, down on one knee with a very bling-tastic ring.

"I do!" she cried in rejoicement.

"Brunch, anyone?" suggested Jon.


	12. Chapter 12

**The Epic-Logue**

And so it came to pass that Rickon became Lord of the Vale, adopting Littlefinger as his son. Sansa often came to visit from Highgarden, with her twelve really really really ridiculously good-looking children. They would always challenge Littlefinger to intense games of stuck-in-the-mud, a game at which he was almost as skilled as the game of thrones.

Arya and her sister now got now got on surprisingly well, and she would often take time out from her busy career as cravenless pirate queen of all the seas of the known world, especially the Narrow Sea and Asshai (wherever the seven hells that's supposed to be), to visit Sansa.

Loras Jr, Eddard, Lyanna, Grrm, Benjen, Robert-with-a-silent-t, Glorfindel, Gondethor, Caesura, Spartacus, and the twins Juxta and Position would all squeal with delight every time Aunt Arya swirled in with a bundle of treasure wrapped up like a babe-in-arms. But the family's favourite was always their sort-of-Uncle Jon.

During this whole hoo-ha of a war, no one had noticed that platoons of tiny, kimono-wearing gnomes had been rebuilding ancient Valyria. Upon realising what delights awaited across the Narrow Sea, Queen Dany instantly dispatched Jon there with 300 Spartans to rule the kingdom in her stead. He accepted, relishing the opportunity to make bad puns about Valyria all day long to his dear Val.

Jorah and Dany happily bred dragons for the rest of their days, protected by the new epic King's Guard, headed by Jaime and Brienne and their gang of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And so they all found their place on the path unwinding in the circle, the circle of life.


End file.
